Girlfriends
“Let’s go stargaze!” She says. She slapped her hand against mine, squeezing with such force even an alligator would be tamed. I was in the middle of homework at my desk, shocked to say the least at the sudden burst of energy my roommate had. She had been on tiktok for at least an hour, why were we going out now?
I was barely able to slip on my birkenstocks before she whipped the door open, almost smashing a whole in the wall during the process. She was dragging me along and I didn’t even get to say yes or no, just being pulled against my will to an unknown spot to stargaze at 2am. She was practically running down the stairs to lead me outside. “Oh my god bro chill you’re gonna rip my hand off!” We laughed and her grip loosened just slightly, not enough to get away. I didn’t really want us to separate though, any moment spent with her is a blessing to me.
She smashed her shoulder into the door causing a loud echo through the stairwell. I was led into a hefty slap of cold, moist, night air that I hadn’t felt in so long. I’m sort of an old lady when it comes to staying up late. I’m usually fast asleep by 9pm and I usually liked it that way. After meeting June for the first time at the start of freshman year, that old lady trend had slowly melted away.
I was assigned a new roommate since the original had decided she found someone better to live with. What a blessing in disguise that departure was. June and I had instantly bonded over our favorite boy band and animes we liked to watch. We had come from such different lives that these were the only two things we had in common. She came from a huge city across the U.S. while I grew up in a tiny town in Massachusetts that no one knew. She liked dressing up while I preferred to dress comfy with no coordination of patterns or colors. She had long hair and acrylic nails while I dyed my hair neon every other month.
My eyes would be so heavy in the midst of our late night talks yet we had so much more we wanted to tell each other. About our highschools, about our friends from home, about ourselves, we always saved a little fact to share at the next late night meeting. Going to class would always be met with a warm welcome home from her and vice versa. We would only go out to eat with each other, only study with each other, only laugh with each other, cry with each other. Nothing was better than this.
I slipped and fell due to the dew on the shimmery moonlit grass, pulling her right down with me as her hand was still locked onto mine.
“Good lord that’s gonna hurt in the morning, aye.” I pushed through my teeth as I dramatically rubbed my tailbone.
“Good news the health center opens at 8am, very convenient!”
“Te-he Jay, you’re hilarious” I rolled my eyes up toward the stars and ended back at her, she was staring straight up at the moon.
“I’m the funniest person I know” She cracked a smile at me. She’s one of the funniest people I know, but I’d never tell her even if I was bribed.
The wetness started to creep through the fibers of my clothes. The anxiety and claustrophobia tightened upon me as did the sleeves of my shirt and the legs of my pants. The feeling of wet clothes sticking to my skin as I lay only worsened the fear of laying on the grass where bugs run free. They were probably crawling on me at this very moment, maybe making their way onto my bare skin through the dry patches in my clothes, yet to be drenched in the dew.
She had let go of my hand, no longer being protected by my one truest friend from the dew, the creepy crawlies. My eyes wandered toward the moon, the same one June was viewing just inches to my left. The moon shone with vigor upon us, the grass, and the river that was running by us on our right. The bright white light emanating from the moon was intermittently covered with passing clouds and the steam rising from our warm breath in the cold November night.
June was never this quiet. The crickets and frogs screamed at us from the shore, as if we were invading their homes. June was full of life just ten minutes ago in our dorm, pulling me out into the dark to be laid under the moon and stars with no inclination of even a whisper to come.
“Hey” I poke her stomach, which I’m happily met with a gasp of shock and a stare that could pierce through my skull. “Is everything all right? You’re super quiet right now and that’s usually my job you know”
It was my job. I am always the one to listen to every detail she throws my way. Always with a smile on my face I would listen to her wonderful stories of adventure, the mundane, or her dreadful past. I loved being the friend who took everything in, who cherished every sentence that came from her lips. I’ve dreamt of being the only person she trusts with her secrets and desires.
“Everything is not okay but we can talk about that later. I’m sure we’ve both had a pretty rough day today. I don’t want to ruin our little stargazing sesh, you know?”
We did have a rough day. In fact I’d say we both had a terrible day. It was the 2nd to last day of our finals and we both came home to immediately take naps. Neither of us ate anything until just an hour ago, that being the delicious and nutritious beef flavored instant ramen.
“I don’t mind if you spill your guts to me right now. You don’t even have to look at me, you can look at the moon!” The moons’ reflection on us was blocking us from viewing any other stars surrounding it. Like a car coming at you with headlights blaring, you had to look far to the left or right to even notice the faint undulation of light coming from the few lonely stars wandering in the night sky.
She never liked to make eye contact, always fidgeting with her blanket when we had chats in the dark even after we had both said goodnight. I could always see her in the yellow light that passed through our blinds from the lamp on the path right outside our window. I bet even now under the moonlight she wouldn’t be able to make out my features as well as I can hers.
The wetness had begun to creep further up my clothes to the point where I couldn’t fight the anxiety any longer. I shot up and held onto my knees, my butt sinking further into the ground. My back cracked and my shirt clung to me as the cold air formed tiny icicles between its threads. So much for thermal underwear.
“I’ve been thinking about this for a while” she blurts out, completely ignoring the fact I was shivering. “I’ve been afraid to tell you honestly.” She sounded choked up. Turning to look over my shoulder I saw she was frozen in the same position she started in. Staring straight up at the moon, eyes focused and stuck on its craters. “I don’t think I can go here anymore.”
It felt like an eternity until those words had processed through the folds of my brain. I inhaled sharply, causing daggers to stab all the way through my throat and lungs with the chill air. I hoped I was quiet enough so she wouldn’t hear. “H-how come?” I’m staring at her now, pleading that she’s lying to me. Heart pounding faster as each frog croaks in the distance and each cricket strums its leg, blaring in my ears to fill the silence she has left me with.
“I just simply can’t pay for it anymore, especially since I’ve been struggling so much to keep up with my classes.” She’s been struggling? She seemed mostly happy, I mean we all have our days but I didn’t think she was failing any classes or anything. “I didn’t want to worry you, but I needed to tell you before tomorrow. I didn’t want to leave you at the airport thinking I’ll be back in the spring when I won’t be. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”
How could she ever think I would be disappointed? Disappointed? Disappointed in someone I looked up to? Disappointed in someone who helped me through the toughest times I’ve had in my life? The person who should be disappointed right now is her. She should be mad at me for not noticing her struggles, not helping with her internal turmoil and pain.
“I would never be disappointed in you, how could you think that? I’m proud of you for coming to this decision. That was a really hard realization to come to and I’m so proud of you for noticing that this isn’t what you want for yourself. You’re amazing, you know that?”
“I feel like a failure but it’s fine,” She chuckles. I can hear the blockage in her throat form, “I’m just upset I have to leave you.”
“Me? What? Why?”
“I love living with you, I don’t want to go back home. We have so much fun and I don’t want you to be sad, so you’re not allowed to be sad.” She did a crunch and extended her pointer finger only inches from my face “You got that?”
Little did she know, tears were welling up in my eyes at the thought of being without her. She was the only person I ever did anything with. I hate being alone and doing things alone, no wonder why she knew I’d be upset. Sniffling, trying to suck the tears back into my eyes, I tried to muster a laugh. The laugh turned into a full on sob when I noticed June already had tears streaming down her cheek and into her ear as she laid back down.
“I’m obviously sad to see you go since you’re my only friend, but you have to do this for yourself. You’re not allowed to stay just because you like living with me.” We were supposed to rent an apartment together next year, as juniors. I guess that day will never come.
“You’re the reason why this decision was so hard dude,” She’s also sniffling like a baby, “You’re the only reason I want to stay.”
“Well, I told you, you aren’t allowed to stay because of me.” I choked out. My brain was pulling on my tongue, refusing to say the syllables. I laid down once more, next to the one person in the whole world who understood me.
The tears flooded my eyes, shooting the light from the moon and stars every which way. No matter how hard I blinked, the tears had kept flowing. I was positive we were both crying, minds racing of what life is actually going to look like without each other. The moon had heard our whimpers for too long. One moment the moon had been beaming down on us, the next she was covered by a translucent cloud brought in from the left as a chilling gust of wind passed through us.
I wiped the tears from my eyes with the already half soaked cuff of my sleeve. My under-eyes were soaked but I could finally see. I could see the stars huddling the moon, not just from left to right, but all throughout the sky. Billions and billions of them up there just blinking their beautiful light. Big and small, close and far from one another. It was wonderful how these stars slowly danced through the night waiting for the day to arrive.
“Gosh those frogs are yelling so loud tonight.” She whispers, slightly chuckling to herself as if we didn’t just have the shortest, most life altering conversation.
“They really are.” I sniffled.
“Are you ready to go inside yet?”
“Just a couple more minutes I think.”
I could stay out here for an infinite amount of hours if it meant she wouldn’t have to leave my side. The one I had grown closest to, was going to become out of my reach in just under 24 hours. She had decided her new path, while mine had been decided long ago. I was never going to leave her side, while she needed to leave mine in hopes of finding her new, happier path in life.
❍
We chatted as I drove her to the airport. Our last final finished, our final day spent as roommates was nearly over. Her side of our room was picked clean, as if I had lived alone the whole semester.
She grabbed her luggage from the popped trunk of my car, the car she loved and praised so much. The car that harbored so many adventures for us in just the one short semester I had with her as a licensed driver.
She stopped in front of me, with luggage rolled to her side. She threw her arms around my ribcage and I wrapped my arms around her neck. I felt as though I was choking her with the amount of force I had been holding in. She never let me hug her, but this one time was the exception. As soon as she stepped away from my embrace, my grasp, my home grabbed her luggage and waved me goodbye. Stepping closer and closer to the revolving doors before her. Soon, she was out of my sight.
