Jordyn Story 1: This is a story about a girl named Josie who is desperately trying to get over this dude she has loved for years, and he doesn’t see the pain he has put her through. I really enjoyed that the conflict conversation was all in her head. It’s very relatable since I feel most people usually think of conversations/fight scenarios they would have with someone but never have the chance to actually say those things. Some questions and confusions I have would be why she still decided to go to the party in the first place. I may have missed it but I wasn’t sure if she went to the party with her friends and he just happened to be there or he wanted her to come and then left her in the dust. A suggestion I have would be to maybe have him try to talk to her in the beginning? That might change the story entirely though. I was just thinking maybe if he tried to talk to her in the beginning you could show her reacting like you did already (the situation she made in her mind) and then have her snap out of it and go talk to her friends. Or have her find her friends after he tries to talk to her and then have her think of what she could have said to him, kind of like her spacing out.
Jordyn Story 2: This is a story about a girl named Maisie who has a terrible relationship with her mom and she got into a car crash and is now staying at this random man’s house. I really liked the fact that you had Maisie show such strong emotions from what her mother said to her, it felt very real to be able to spill those emotions to someone you know nothing about. It also felt really nice to know that he did comfort her and they might be friends after this. Although heartbreaking, I did like how you portrayed the relationship between the parents through the conversation on the phone. Some questions/suggestions I have would be that I wanted them to talk more about how they came to meet each other, like was he walking by the crash? Did she call the police and he offered to take her to his house? Why didn’t he just take her to her house? It just felt a little murder-y (and slightly r*pe-y to me to be honest) so I feel like a little more clarifying detail as to why she had to go to his house even though she had just met this man.
Skyler story 1: Need to reread
Skyler Story 2: This is a story about two fencing partners who believe they hate each other when in actuality can’t really live without each other. This story gives off “history will say they were best friends” energy and I loved it! I really liked the progression of the story as well, it felt very well paced and the timeline was easy to follow for me. I also very much enjoyed the time period the story takes place. I think it fits the atmosphere you set up very well. My questions would be about why you decided to have Finn get injured? Why was it Finn who got injured and not Jonathan? Why was it specifically Finn’s leg? I’m wondering if there was anything behind who specifically got hurt and why you chose his leg. My only suggestion would be to have your story start a little bit later. I feel like you could have skipped writing the whole background of how they were fencing partners and maybe sprinkle their backstory throughout the whole story. Or, you could put this explanation on page 3 when someone is telling Mr. Mercer about their rivalry.
Lizzie Story 1: Need to reread
Lizzie Story 2: This is a story about ex-criminal wives having to get back into the game because they can’t make enough money to support themselves. I really liked the little tid bits of dialogue you had between them when they were going through their heist, it felt kind of like a movie when I was reading it. I also really liked the moment you had where Abby reveals herself in the woods to get her and Gwen caught. To me it felt like the big slap in the face that both of them needed to really put away their life of crime since they know its not worth it if they get split up in prison. My question is, why didn’t Abby fight back a little more when Gwen proposed to do another heist? I thought she was going to throw a bunch of alternatives at Gwen so they wouldn’t have to do anything illegal. I also want to know why exactly they needed to do such a big heist. Do they know people they could have sold the gem to? If they didn’t there would have been no reason to steal it. A suggestion I have would be to give a little background on what they used to do when they were criminals before they went to jail. I know they stole things but was it specifically from museums? Is that why they were so good or was it just a style choice/plot point?
Brady Story 1: The story is mainly about these 2 demigods planning to go on a date after not being able to for a very long time. It goes through the issues of trying to plan the date as well as seeing both of them get ready for the date. I really liked the idea that Oliver’s emotions are in tune with what his powers do, I think it’s a really fun detail. For questions, I was assuming some conflict would happen given the fact that Kyle was so adamant that everything was going to be fine during their date. Some of my suggestions would be to maybe delve more into Isaac as a character? The story felt more centered around Oliver even though Isaac was introduced first. I feel like it would also be interesting if the story was told through Oliver’s perspective (but obviously that would be a big change, you don’t have to do it). I also think having a tiny bit of conflict or tension would be good because the story felt a little monotone.
Brady Story 2: This is a story about two seemingly high school aged girls escaping from their respective bad homes. I liked the story overall for the fact that theyre experiencing their first taste of “freedom” by running away, but the specific point I liked was when you had them change their hair. It felt really close to home for me since I wasn’t able to change my hair until after I graduated high school, so I remember how good it felt to dye my hair for the first time. Although, I did feel like I wanted more of those little moments of “Oh I could have never done this before we left” type things. I also want to know why exactly their home situations felt bad enough to where they felt the need to literally run away. I want to know iif they were like being beat up, mentally/emotionally abused or something else. I just wanted to see a reason why they ran away since it wasn’t really specified, and it was kind of danced around throughout the whole story. A suggestion I have would be from me feeling impending doom around every page, but it never came. I felt like there needed to be someone they had to get away from and it doesn’t have to be their parents. I was kind of waiting for a family friend to either notice them while they were out and have one of the parents text them. Something little like that so you could feel the pressure of being a runaway.
Sophie Story 1: This story is about a girl named Nina with her 2 friends and 1 other person. The main issue of the story is pushing herself to “live a little” before she goes off to college, hence “Gravity is Greedy” since she jumped off the bridge. I really enjoyed reading the story simply because of how Sophie writes. I enjoy the descriptiveness of Nina’s thoughts as well as feeling the dread and worry Nina is experiencing about deciding whether to jump off the bridge or not. I also really liked the fact that Nina felt so much comfort in there being a third party there, Sohpie also really described the nuances of brotherly love very well even though those 2 aren’t actually Nina’s brothers. My question would be is the story taking place at night? I wasn’t sure if the darkness was just the water or they actually couldn’t see anything because it was nighttime. I don’t think I really have many suggestions because I really like how the story is written right now. The only thing I could think of doing is maybe having the “brothers” tease her more and have the stranger (Francios) be more prominent instead of just one line of dialogue?
Sophie Story 2: This is a tragic story about a little girl losing her best friend when she was a child and holding all that grief in with no help from her family to let her grieve properly. I really liked the purpose of the bunny. Having the bunny be the only thing left of her friend when her friend cared so much about the bunny AND naming it pistachio after telling Adelaide to be strong like a pistachio! Having the bunny look at Adelaide in times of stress in her life felt like Heather protecting Adelaide in a way and it was really heartwarming but also heartbreaking. My question would be why the parents didn’t seem to help her with the loss of her best friend? It seems like you wanted it to stem from her parents being so busy and her mom being kind of scary, but I feel like there has to be something else preventing them from dealing with their childs’ loss. For a suggestion, maybe explain why Adelaide hasn’t seen Heather’s parents in 5 years. If they live in the same town I feel like they would have seen each other within that time or even just hung out with Adelaide’s parents. Maybe make it a point (just an idea) to show that Adelaide has been actively avoiding Joy and Lyle every time they came to hang out with her parents but since she was forced to say hi to everyone at the party that’s why she had to face her fear.
Jenna Story 1: This is a story about 2 friends where one gets into a major car accident while the other is worried sick. The girl in this situation is very concerned for him and vice versa for the boy. The boy is trying to make sure everyone else is ok (not his own well-being) while the girl is more focused on if her best friend is okay (only focused on him). I really liked that the story was written with two different fonts, I thought that was a very cool detail. I also really liked the ending sentence he said because it gives you a ton of different ways to go with your story if you decide to continue. My questions would be, how long had they been friends? Why didn’t he tell her where he was on the highway and just let her walk around aimlessly? Some suggestions I have would be to get rid of the headings of “Him” and “Her” since you’re already giving them different fonts. I think that’s all the information you need to discern who is who. A question would be, did you choose the fonts randomly or with meaning? I feel like there could be a lot of meaning placed behind the fonts you chose based on how the characters act.
Jenna Story 2: This is a story about a girl named Bree who is a new college freshman that is absolutely miserable the first week of classes. This story reminds me of the movie “Son in Law” with Pauly Shore. The movie basically goes through Pauly Shore integrating the main character into college life and making her comfortable/introducing her to new friends. Harrison felt a lot like this character in the way he introduced Bree to everyone so she would feel more comfortable and want to stay at their school. But the whole story felt pretty unbelievable to me, the fact that they have almost all the same classes and the fact that he has a million friends within the first week of school and she has none. I also felt like we wouldn’t have needed all of Bree’s background at the beginning of the story if you had put Harrison’s prediction of her life as the beginning of the story instead. A question I have would be, why did they both have to be freshman? I feel like if you made them different years in college it would have been more heartwarming to read to see this upperclassman show a freshman how to go through college when they are struggling.
Mackie Story 1: This is a story about a girl who is trying to get back with what is seemingly the love of her life. I really liked the sense of longing that Flo has for Link as well as how much she truly cares for him. I really loved the line at the end of page 9 saying “ I looked at the sleeping boy at my feet, light snores coming out of his mouth. I just wanted to take care of him, to be near him.” My favorite part of that line is “to take care of him, to be near him” because it really conveys the severe want that Flo feels. My questions would be how long had they known each other? Were Flo and Link friends before Angela, did they date before Angela? My only suggestion would be that I wanted to feel a little bit more worry from Flo throughout the day after the party. You had one paragraph on page 4 where it starts with Flo waking up and then the next paragraph is her pulling back onto campus. I feel like I would have enjoyed a little bit of her doing a mundane task with the anxious thoughts of him in the back of her brain.
Mackie Story 2: This is a story about the cruelty of mortality. Two friends who were diagnosed with cancer and one tragically passed away in the hospital one day. The one thing I really enjoyed about your story was how well you described living in a hospital as a child/teenager. I was in and out of the hospital as a kid so I really felt the atmosphere and the scenery! It is really hard being in the hospital as a kid because you miss out on so much and I feel like you really brought that sadness and dread through really well. Like when you talked about them walking down the hall together holding onto their IVs, grippy socks and johnnies, it was a really vivid way of bringing someone into a hospital setting who may have never had to stay at the hospital for long periods of time before. A question I had was how old was Delilah? I’m assuming around the same age since they are on the same floor of the hospital but sometimes they switch up where people are placed depending on the beds available. A suggestion I have would be about the scene where Delilah is dying. I feel like it would be more believable if the nurse was able to grab ahold of Barrie and Barrie would scream those lines at Delilah through the door. It was a bit unbelievable for me that as a weak cancer patient would be able to push off a nurse and then run into the room and no one would try to get her out of the way still.
Bridget Story 1: This story is about a tragic love story between the sun and the moon. To be extremely honest, I adored the whole story. It’s so beautifully written! I love that the sun and moon are women and the descriptions of them were so gorgeous that it left a vivid picture of them in my mind when they met each other in the tavern. I really liked that you included Hamish as a character as well. It felt really sweet that they visited him separately from time to time, it gave me a sense of connection to each other even when they can’t physically be in the same spot. Hamish seems like a messenger sort of (if that makes sense). My question would be, was the storm caused by both of them going to meet each other? Like the moon being gone upset the ocean and then the sun had some effect on the storm as well I’m assuming. My only suggestion would be to either prolong their meeting, prolong their departure from each other, or both! Both parts felt very short and left me wanting and needing to read more. You described the joy of their meeting so well that I wanted so much more, and their departure was so short I felt like it needed to be just a little bit longer so you can feel the heartbreak more.
Kit Story 1: This is a story about a girl named Argyle who is frantically trying to take care of her fire ants that escaped their cage. This story is also about the trans experience in some ways. I feel like the ants are representative of Argyle since she probably felt really small and helpless during her journey at times (relating myself since I’m nonbinary). The ants were also described as being confused at points, gender is a confusing thing! I really appreciated those little parallels to someone figuring out their gender and then becoming comfortable in it. Some suggestions I have would be to elongate some of the backstory and shorten up the introduction of the story. Being more thorough in the backstory of why she began to love ants as well as her parents divorce might be helpful. Shortening up in the intro of the story could bring us closer into the story instead of reading about how the ants escaped for about half of the story, this way the backstory won’t feel rushed at all.
Izzy Story 1: This is a story about a man named Derek who is trying to paint in the middle of (presumably) central park in NYC. Describes the life of an artist, capturing moments in time from many different perspectives. I really liked the description of what the woman looked like as well as her emotions and what she was doing like movie wise. I liked how devastated Derek was once he couldn’t find her in the crowd anymore. I also really liked the descriptions of all the colors and how they were used to describe the people in the story. I’m curious if Mia was supposed to be a representation of Derek as a child or if she’s just there to remind him of the innocence of childhood. My other question is also about the importance of the mother. I was confused on if she was going to be a love interest, a model for the painting, or just a stranger entirely. Why was Al included? The conversation was really short so I felt like he could have added a little more time to talk to add to the story a little bit. Another question I had, which I’m not sure could be answered, was the phone call of the woman being angry about Mia being lost? The only suggestion I have would be to draw out the admiring aspect of Derek in the beginning. I really liked the idea of him observing from afar but it felt like it went way too fast (at least for me).
Izzy Story 2: This is a story about how someone deals with the grief of their husband passing due to suicide. This shows the main character trying to move forward with her life by confronting the scene where she had found her husband. I really liked the second to last paragraph on the last page. I felt like it was a beautiful way to look at life after someone has passed in such a tragic way. I also enjoyed the descriptions of Liam and what he and Mel would do before he passed, it felt like a really loving relationship they had. A question I had would be how did Liam actually build up to the point of committing suicide? It felt strange in the letter and in the story of the explanation for his death just being addicted to drugs when you said that he had been using less. I felt like I needed a little more about why he felt he couldn’t live without an addiction/why he couldn’t try to fix it this time. Unless I missed the explanation of why he felt he couldn’t get away from his addiction, that’s the only question I have. For suggestions I want to pull a Jesse and tell you that I think it would be cool to start the story at the second to last paragraph on page 9 (the one starting with “Grief”). I feel like if you started there, then you could look at Mel driving home, thinking over all that she just went through in the past few hours going through her house again. It could be a cool thing to reminisce over her husband as she’s driving away from the house, kind of like she’s riding through the past/going back in time.
Cole Story 1: This seems a little bit of a horror/sci-fi story about a kid who lost his whole family due to weird happenings in their town due to a meteorite in the woods. I really liked the anxiety-inducing aspect of the story, being chased is so simple but also so terrifying and you wrote about it really well. The descriptions of the trees and the big monster that was made up of a bunch of people was really awesome, like my mouth even dropped open in shock just picturing it in my head. You did really well on describing how they looked and how they sounded. There are a lot of things I am confused about though. Did the mom ever make it to the city or did the woods prevent her from getting there, and is that why the main character thought they saw their mom in the woods? Did the brother get dragged into the water by the mom or just by a random monster, and how did he end up in the woods if he died in the water? Why would the main character decide to stay after all that just happened? Was it all just a dream they had and are they going to start looking into the mysteries of the town because of said dream?
Cammy Story 1: This is a story about a couple trying to fix their marriage through a camping trip gone wrong. I really enjoyed the part of the story where the two decide to split ways (jen going to the car and ryan staying at the campsite). The feeling of anxiety shone through very well for Jen especially when you were describing the wolf staring at her when she first got in the car. One of my big questions was, why would they have to park their car so far away from a campsite? I’m not a huge camper so I wasn’t sure if they just decided to pick a random spot in the woods or if it was an established campsite (which I would have assumed would have parking right where you would be staying). How was the car door unlocked? I feel like that would be an important piece of information to know and to maybe reference it at the beginning of the story so you know if they truly locked the car or not. The whole story after finding the arm I assumed there was a murderer in the woods and that would kind of explain why the door might have been unlocked. A suggestion I have would be to maybe have a scene where Ryan gets extremely worried (or is having a dream about Jen) before he hears the cries in the forest. I feel like it would add to the therapy aspect of the trip to know that he’s thinking of his wife and possibly regretting not just going with her or trying to calm her down so she would stay.
Cammy Story 2: This is a story about a tragic end of a relationship that still hasn’t been resolved. Tessa and Peyton’s relationship was rocky and downright toxic, and the ending confirms it didn’t get better with time. I liked that Tessa’s friends all knew how much he hurt her and wanted to protect her while Peyton was at the wedding. I also really liked that when Tessa was done with her daydream, she was very civil with Peyton and Ashley even though it hurt her to do (very adult of her). A question I have is why would Peyton just drop Tessa after one night, like it feels like Peyton and Ashley like had sex and she offered him the job and that was that. It felt very odd because Peyton didn’t mention talking with Ashley again on the side before leaving with each other after that party. Some suggestions I would have would be to specify if Peyton was in the wedding party or was just invited. I also wanted to know how close Tessa was with Jess as to why she felt the need to invite Peyton even though he had caused Tessa so much harm and literally everyone at the party knew. I am also confused on the timeline of the wedding; I am not familiar with a gathering happening before they even got married. Unless you skipped over the ceremony and went straight into the reception, the timeline didn’t really make sense for me.
Gracie Story 1: This is a story about 2 friends, Devyn and Winter, trying to strengthen their friendship. Winter is clearly depressed and withdrawn while Devyn doesn’t want to pry. I really liked that the ocean was a huge aspect of the story. It could represent so many things since it’s so dynamic but it really helps visualize the depression, anxiety and loneliness here. For me, it specifically represented the fact that Winter might want to comit suicide (it might just be me but thats where my head went during the story). Having the ocean be a huge thing for her mom and then Winter thinking about doing that in the water was really powerful. When Devyn showed up to “save” her it felt like Winter released a breath of relief, so you described that darkness really really well. Some suggestions I have would be to maybe enhance the anxiety/worry aspects of Devyn? Maybe a feeling of “If I’m this cold she must be colder” or when you talk about how she could have fallen in between the rocks also think about her maybe being swept away completely? I feel like that would amp up the anxiety in him a little bit.
Gracie Story 2: This is a story about “The Right Person at the Wrong Time” as it was so cleverly titled. Sophia was in a relationship with Asher which was turning bad, then got into a relationship with Noah. She became confused when she didn’t feel anything for Noah when he kissed her, which sent her down a rabbit hole of emotions and eventually ending up with Asher again. I really enjoyed the whole idea of your story. You were able to play out a whole year or so of what I will call a “Love Scandal” and I loved it! I just wish I was able to get more of those little moments between Noah and Sophia at the beginning and the end of their relationship. I feel like the whole story could be made into a show (which I would LOVE to watch by the way) so we could get the whole ins and outs of the relationships between Sophia, Asher and Noah.
Scott Story 1: Need to reread
Scott Story 2: This is a story about a couple, Boston and Summer, who are on the run from the police. They had attempted a robbery and while running away caused a huge car crash, where after many hours Summer convinces Boston they need to go hide with Boston’s Dad. I really liked the idea of your story. The main part of your story that I liked was the scene in the gas station with the clerk. I liked how the clerk was trying to get Boston’s name from him. The way you made sure we knew he presented as a nice old man and then quickly changed to him trying to figure out who Boston was, it felt very real like it would actually happen in real life. A question I have would be about how accepting Boston’s father was with him just randomly showing up at his house. I feel like if they really hadn’t seen each other in who knows how many years he would be so open to letting Boston in the house, or maybe even be more shocked that his son showed up randomly. I’m also curious as to why he was so eager to help Boston and Summer since they are on the run, I feel like there would need to be some background for the father to make him believe he could help them hide.
Alexa Story 1: Need to reread
Alex Story 1: This is a story about a mother who is struggling with her own mental health so much so that her family is somewhat falling apart. I really enjoyed the part of her becoming a dragon so it could show her the kind of “monster” she had become. Her becoming bigger and stronger than the other dragon her kids were pretending to fight was a really good representation of how deep into her mental illness(es) she had gotten. I also loved the scene where you show the husband pushing on her chest to bring her back together/make her whole again, I thought that was a really loving scene and then transitioning into how he was struggling was really great. The thing I was confused about the whole time as I read was trying to keep track of the time chronologically. It might have just been me but there were a lot of flashbacks and those usually confuse me when I’m reading a story. I was also just confused on if it was a nightmare or if she was hallucinating what the kids were describing to her, especially since she saw the dragon before the kids explained their storyline to her.
Alex Story 2: This was a story about an assassin who has a soft spot for her girlfriend. This realization that she might not be able to ask Penny to marry her almost cost Reyes her life. I really loved the whole story overall, you described the action very well. The scenery, the broken glass, the smells, the noises were all thoughtfully and strategically placed in your story and it was really well done! I also really loved the moments of softness you get from Reyes since you know the hard life she’s probably been through, but then you add in the tender moments with Penny as well as the dreams she has had about her (and having a family with her). It was a really beautiful way to describe their love for each other. For questions and suggestions, I would think about the ending. I was expecting for Reyes to just submit to the dude or kill him but not have the strength to get back to Penny. The ending you had was very unexpected but I feel like you could add a little bit more to it to make it more impactful. By this I mean how Penny got herself to the point of killing someone for Reyes.
Teresa Story 1: This is a story about a troubled mother daughter relationship while also covering a muderder that the daughter had committed unintentionally. The daughter had run over the man and decided her best option was to bury him. I liked how you had described the relationship between the father and the daughter before he had died. There was lots of backstory for the character but it felt like there was so much backstory that not a lot had happened in the story altogether. I want to know why Samantha decided she needed to bury the man even though he had just given her a little speech before she put him in her car to go bury him. I want to know which aspect of the story is more important to delve into, the relationship between the mom and daughter or the mudrer itself. The story could go two different ways, way into why the murder happened and more details from when he got ran over to why she decided to bury him and run away, or maybe just trying to save the man and actually calling 911. I feel like I just want to know the ultimate decision of why she decided to bury him, because of ruining her mom’s reputation? Or was it because of her own anxieties and she doesn’t care what her mom would think of her.
Mia Story 1: This is a story about a chef named Trevor in a kitchen where he is going to be taking the role as lead chef soon, he also has a love interest with one of the other chefs in the kitchen named Jack. Jack is the one everyone notices while Trev is quiet and lays low as he watches Jack shine in the kitchen. You really pulled me in with how Trevor describes Jack throughout the story. You have a great balance between what Trev is trying to accomplish while also giving just the right number of snippets towards the love interest. The scene where Jack was seemingly about to kiss Trev pulled me in SO HARD just to be let down by Sully, and then having Jack leave without looking back was a great way to make your reader feel the pang of loneliness and abandonment (not sure if those are the rights words but in short, you made me feel something for Trev). Same with the reveal of Jack already having a boyfriend, that just shoved a knife though my heart, but you wrote it so well. The only suggestion I have, since I love your story so much already, would be to prolong the departure of Jack and Trev for the night. It felt very short and then you went straight into the scene where Jack kisses his boyfriend. I wanted a little more of a chat between them before Jack walked to his car, and maybe add in a little more shock when Trev realizes that Jack already has a boyfriend.
Mia Story 2: This is a story about a crumbling relationship. Their relationship didn’t work out because Preston was only caught up in the money his family had, while Theo finally broke away to pursue real happiness instead of getting stuck in a loveless marriage. I really loved the part of the story where Theo just laughed at Preston. After having flashbacks to her abusive father, I thought it was a really nice touch to have her start laughing at Preston instead of crying. I loved it because it felt like she was trying to tear down his facade, and it told him without words that he couldn’t hurt her anymore. The one suggestion I have is about Theo getting away. It felt a little unbelievable that Preston wouldn’t still be looking for her since she only went down one staircase. It felt odd to go from running away from him to just standing at a counter with the man in the lobby looking at hotels and transportation so calmly. Other than that I really enjoyed your story and it was very well written!
